Only Four is a song I wrote prior to writing Secret Keeper. I debated about recording both songs but decided on only recording Secret Keeper since it shares more of the full spectrum story of healing and transformation. However, this piece certainly goes into depth in other ways. Since lyrics are a poetry, I have decided to share it here as a poem. Who knows, maybe one day I will share this as a song. But until then, here it is…


Only Four

by Kathryn Cloward

I was only four
When you came and took what wasn’t yours
Troubled by your past
My parents took you in offering peace at last
But how could they know
What you’d do when you got me alone
You told me not to tell
I guess I was a little girl who listened well

I stood at the door
And watched your run away happy there’d be no more
Myself I blamed
So I hid behind secrets and shame
Tucked it all away
In the back of my mind is where you’d stay
But how could I know
It would take a lifetime for those wounds to show

From when I was only four
I was only four

I altered my mind
That’s when 20-year old me would find
The hidden key
Unlocked a closet of frightening memories
But I turned around
Too scared to tell my mom what I found
I just walked away
If I avoided you I’d be okay

Yet time would reveal
There was too much pain to conceal
Even as I controlled
Your imprint followed me as I grew old
Crumbled by remembering
Anger and sadness the truth would bring
And no one could deal
It was up to me to help my wounds heal

From when I was only four
I was only four

I chose the healing road
Through forgiveness I released a heavy load
I learned to be okay
Time has strengthened me to not be afraid
There’s no more shame on me
I no longer carry that energy
Now there’s so much more
Room to dream like when I was only four

Yes, I was only four


Only Four ©2017 Kathryn Cloward

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